Monday, August 20, 2012

And the Hits Just Keep on Coming...

I normally try to keep my blog lighthearted and fun which is what I strive to be in life. But there are times when I get overwhelmed by life, like anyone else, and need a positive lift to get me out of my funk and back to being my easy going, fun self. 

**Disclaimer: if you only want to see pictures of the kids scroll now! Otherwise be warned, you are about to be assaulted with a whirlwind of emotions and a great deal of expletives. Also, please no emails or comments asking what happened. If I felt like sharing you would have received a call so I could share. I know I internalize a lot but trust me, if I wanted to share you'd already know what is happening thus rendering this entry pointless.**

Some things have happened in the last month or so that have greatly affected our family, more so Daric and I than the kids. Because of some "issues" we were having Daric and I have been seeing a marriage counselor. We both realized something was missing, something that slowly disappeared over the years and we both wanted to get "it" back. We've always been great at communicating with each other but even that was slowly fading away. We both started withdrawing and holding things back for fear of hurting the others feelings. I can't speak for him but I know I was starting to not be in a good place. I kept the smile on my face even though I was dying a little every day on the inside. I was starting to wonder if I had become complacent, if I was just sticking around because it was easier than leaving and then a bomb got dropped on me. This bomb is what lead to us seeking counseling. Now I don't want anyone to grab their pitchforks and light their torches, Daric has never and WOULD never: cheat on me, hit me, hit the kids, walk out on this family, develop a drug addiction or take a sudden interest in alcoholism! He screwed up, for a normal person it wouldn't have been a big deal but for someone like me with a smorgasbord of issues it was a big deal. He knew he messed up, he recognized we needed help and he suggested counseling. We've been going once a week for the past month and I can honestly say it's helping. I can say things that I've been holding back, he can as well. The counselor has made us talk to each other and truly listen by relaying what we heard back to each other. We've, according to the counselor, got a solid foundation to build a relationship on and are FAR better off than most couples he counsels. I took that as a positive sign that our marriage is fixable and can get back on the right track. And then the other shoe dropped!

Daric screwed up again, this time worse than the first time! (Put the pitchfork down, cancel the lynch mob) I repeat, Daric has never and WOULD never: cheat on me, hit me, hit the kids, walk out on this family, develop a drug addiction or take a sudden interest in alcoholism! This time though it hurt, a lot and it's not due to me being an emotional cripple. Most anyone would be hurt by what he disclosed and the sad part is he honestly didn't see what was wrong with what he was doing at the time. Hindsight...20/20! Even the counselor was taken aback when we revealed this at our last session. The counselor and I both pointed out what was wrong with his actions and of course after it's pointed out, he could see the light! Needless to say we took 2 steps forward only to take 2 steps back BUT we are baby stepping in the right direction now and as long as the other, OTHER shoe doesn't drop, I think we've got a good shot at getting back to "normal".

I'll be honest, when the 1st incident happened I was upset and hurt. I was trying to see past my anger and pain and let it go but I don't think I had fully let go of it when the 2nd incident occurred. I was mad, no mad is an understatement! There isn't a word in the dictionary to cover how ____ I was. I was completely blinded by rage and couldn't think straight. For 2 nights I drowned my sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. Not the way to deal with things, I know, but it made me numb which is what I needed to be so I didn't act on my anger. I haven't lost control of my emotions like that since I was a hormonal teenager! I don't like feeling that way. I'm too old to be feeling that way. My kids don't need to see me feeling that way, not the example I want to set for them. That was a very long, terrifying weekend!

So now happy ending? No, sadly no there is no happy ending...yet. As a result of the 1st incident Daric's commander is doing everything in his power to shove him out of the Army. He has lost all consideration for the family. He's grasping at straws, finding any reason he can to get Daric out NOW!! And instead of seeing the 1st incident as a cry for help from Daric, instead of seeing how stressed he is and how constantly being shit on is taking it's toll the commander decides to embarrass and shame Daric in front of his entire unit. So much for the kinder, gentler Army! He relayed the incident to all the soldiers in formation one day so now Daric has been ostracized and alienated. There are soldiers who have asked for Daric to be moved to a different work area because they don't feel "comfortable" around him. Right, because in the past year he's exhibited behavior that would deem him "uncomfortable" to work around. Funny how he was the golden boy and now is a leper. Nice to know how quick people turn. It wasn't bad enough that Daric was turned into a joke by the commander but by extension now his family is a joke. We are in SOUTH KOREA!!! Friends aren't easy to come by. It's not like I can say hell with it, I'll just make new friends. The friends I have are all I've got out here. We can't escape to a relatives house to get away and come back ready to face the nonsense once more, we can't just up and move to a new neighborhood, he can't asked to be transferred to a different unit, he can't even try to change duty stations. We are stuck. Plain and simple. We are stuck and have to live with the fallout of the commander's actions. If Daric was a single soldier I get it, make an example out of him, even if it was just the 2 of us, I'm resilient, I'll bounce back BUT our kids have become collateral damage. They pay the ultimate price for all of this. You would think as a man with a family he wouldn't have been as cruel or at least would have thought "how is this going to affect the family" before he announced to everyone what Daric did wrong. But he's hell bent on getting Daric kicked out of the Army so thoughts like that wouldn't occur. Daric had to see a doctor today. Why? Because the commander told him if there is no medical reason why he's "fat", he's getting separated from the Army. I'm sure there are some things wrong with Daric physiologically but a majority of his problems are psychological. He has ADD, PTSD, anxiety with aggressive rage or some shit. He was diagnosed with all this before we came here, he's had ADD his whole life, PTSD from deployments & actually being engaged in warfare, anxiety I'm sure is a byproduct of PTSD but also the military. The military does a damn fine job of breaking a person and then once they're broken telling them they're weak. He's a human being, not a robot. Can you tell I'm a little upset by all this?

So here's your "happy" ending....

We are currently trying to formulate a plan since 'Plan A' was making the Army a career. He has 9 years of service, 9 years of service WITH NO negative ANYTHING on his record in the entire 9 years!! and this is the thanks he gets for being a good soldier. Oh wait, I forgot, he's a shitbag because some asshole who doesn't know how to properly perform a tape test on a soldier got the wrong measurements and according to Army standards he's fat. In 1 week he gained 6% body fat...that's impressive! *Can you taste the venom in my words?* I'm just a little bitter and upset this is how it's going to end. No he can't ask for another tape test or to have someone else perform it, the commander wants him gone, the 1SG wants him gone (the guy is a self absorbed asshole that doesn't give a shit about his soldiers anyway) so now we get to play the waiting game. Let's wait until they decide to tell us how they're going to screw our lives over. That's really fair to the kids. The best part of all of this is that he won't be getting an honorable discharge. He's "fat" so he's failed to meet Army standards which means he will get no better than a general, other than honorable discharge but I have the feeling they are going to try for a dishonorable discharge. Anything other than an honorable discharge means we lose out on everything! He gets no VA benefits, he gets no retirement, he gets shit for his 9 years of dedicated service! Thanks a lot Army! Because it's been a cake walk dealing with your shit!

Sorry for the language but I'm upset. These are my kids lives that are being messed with. If it was just us no big deal, we're adults we can roll with it BUT my kids are going to be uprooted, ripped away from the only life they know and love then tossed into a chaotic mess until we manage to right ourselves. I'm a veritable cat, I'll always land on my feet. I just hope my kids inherited that trait. There is a storm heading this family's way...a giant, nasty storm. I'm doing my best to brace all of us against it.

Oh right....happy ending *wink wink* Well here it is! Good night, good morning or good afternoon where ever you are in the world from our little dysfunctional family to yours!
only my kid would rock the "Borat" look with my underwear...
and then proceed to shake his butt!

At the playground

Riley, Ezz, daddy & our good friend Gabe

pretty little princess

look through the curtains...monsoon season!

major cheeser!!

I hope she's prepared for a life of pink

love her <3

someone wanted to have pictures taken too

rolling on her belly like a rockstar

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